Shame vs. Encouragement

One day I was trying to "motivate" my daughter who was taking too long to finish her school work.  I was saying things like, "It's beautiful outside, and we're all waiting for you to finish so that we can go have fun out there!"  I said, "This is ridiculous.  You are taking WAY too long!"  It just got worse...her attitude and mine.  She looked at me stone-faced, and if anything, went slower.  I only got more frustrated.

I had recently been listening to someone talk about shame.  All of the sudden, it struck me like a brick to the head...I was putting SHAME on my child!  I was so disgusted at this reality.  That is NOT something I ever want to do to.  I was even using it in an effort to control her.  If I was being honest with myself, I knew that my response to the situation was not good to begin with, but when I realized the depth of it...wow.

It's interesting, because I actually really love to encourage people.  I feel like it's a gift that God has given me.  However, when I'm not walking according to the Spirit of God, my flesh does the exact opposite!  I don't build up, I tear down.  I distort the gifts He's given me.

A little while later, when we had moved on with the day, I told her that when we want to motivate someone, we should use good words and a kind voice.  We should say things like, "I KNOW you can do this!"  I went on to say that we shouldn't put people down and make them feel bad.  That doesn't help.  I told her that I was sorry for doing that to her.  All of the sudden her little chin started quivering, and she came and hugged me.

I don't think I realized how much I had hurt her until she did that.  She was expressionless while I had been putting the shame on her, and now at my asking forgiveness, she broke.  She released her feelings instead of shutting down.  It made me all the more never want to do that again!  I don't want my kids to close their hearts to me.  They may act like they are okay, but in reality they've grown callous.
            

I hate it when I sin against my children, but I am so thankful that when I do, I can repent.  I can ask them to forgive me.  Sometimes as parents we can overlook that very important step of asking our children for their forgiveness.  Perhaps because it requires humility.  It means we have to admit to them that we are not perfect...even though we're adults.  Ha!

You know what?  It's good for them to know that we are on this journey of life WITH them.  Then when they mess up, they don't feel like they need to hide from us...the big people who can't relate.  We need to display repentance and forgiveness to them.  Not only is it the right thing to do, but it's also how they will learn to do it.

Ever since then, as soon as I see myself going down that wrong "path of shame", I stop immediately.  I start to encourage.  And let me tell you, not only is it right, it's a whole lot more motivating!  I've been noticing lately how encouragement has become the language of my children as well, and it brings the biggest smile to my face.